Escape from Hell
by JitterbugCG
Summary: Kenny’s not going to give up a chance to be on Terrance and Phillip’s show just because he is very inconveniently stuck in hell, so, with the help of Damien, the Mole, and a very irate Joan of Arc, he resolves to break out. its better than its sounds
1. Prologue

Escape from Hell 

Summary: Kenny's not going to give up a chance to be on Terrance and Phillip's show just because he is very inconveniently stuck in hell for the time being, so he resolves to break out.

Author's Note: (feel free to skip this if you want to, it's just my ramblings) So basically, I've been watching a lot of South Park lately and I noticed that there seemed to be a lack of good Kenny-centric episodes and I thought it might be interesting to see what happens to Kenny when he dies. And I thought it would be funny to see Kenny try to escape from hell. I warn you, this story will be very random, and probably very politically incorrect (so I hope I don't offend anyone) because it is South Park. I hope you enjoy!

**Prologue**

They were going to be on Terrance and Phillip. They couldn't believe it. It was too good to be true. But it was true, and it was the best thing that had ever happened to them. It was as if Christmas (or in Kyle's case, Hanukah) had come early and they had awoken to find their living rooms filled with presents. It was as if God was smiling down on them. It was as if they were the luckiest kids in the world.

It had all begun a few months back, when Terrance and Phillip had launched an international contest. The lucky kid that found the special Terrance and Phillip sticker in a special edition bag of Terrance and Phillip cheesy poofs was going to be flown out to Vancouver with three of their friends to be a part of the show. Needless to say, children around the world were ecstatic and cheesy poof sales skyrocketed.

When Cartman found out, he promptly demanded his mother buy all the bags of special edition Terrance and Phillips cheesy poofs in all of South Park, then all of Park County, then all of the state of Colorado. His persistence paid off. After spending the better part of a month eating his way through several thousand bags of cheesy poofs (and subsequently gaining two hundred pounds then loosing it again in order to win a bet with Kyle), Cartman found the winning sticker. Words could not express Cartman's joy. Now the only thing he had to do to make his life complete was to meet his hero, Hitler, but he could save that adventure for another day.

Cartman then faced the difficult decision of choosing who to take with him to be on Terrance and Phillip's show. He pondered this for a solid two minutes before decided on Kenny, Stan, and…Butters. Cartman proclaimed it was because Jews shouldn't be allowed to be on TV.

Kyle immediately threw a fit and locked himself in his room, declaring that there clearly was no God. Stan began to worry that Kyle might develop another deadly hemorrhoid and loose his faith in life again, so he confronted Cartman. But Cartman, being the fat asshole that he is, refused to concede.

Mrs. Broflovski soon found out, and of course, was outraged by Cartman's explanation. She quickly set up an activist group for equal treatment of Jews in the entertainment industry. But she was never able to quite get the group off the ground because Rob Schneider kept trying to tell lame jokes during the meetings. Eventually Mrs. Broflovski got so fed up she started a petition to get Rob Schneider extradited to Uzbekistan, but that's another story.

Cartman still refused to let Kyle join them, so Stan and Kenny had to scrape together twenty-seven dollars and sixty-four cents, a powdered doughnut, and a bag of cheesy poofs to bribe him. Cartman, whose one true weakness was cheesy poofs, finally agreed to let Kyle come as long as he didn't open his big Jew-mouth and make Cartman look bad in front of Terrance and Phillip.

(When they informed Butters that Kyle was going instead of him, Butters donned the suit of Professor Chaos and once again attempted to wreak havoc on the world by freeing all the cows so no one would have any beef to eat. Unfortunately, once he untethered all the cows in a ten-mile radius and opened up their pens, the cows refused to budge and no attempt at prodding could make them move. He then fell back on his plan B, which was to genetically combine all the tomatoes with tobacco so they would look like tomatoes on the outside but taste like tobacco. But, because it was South Park, the "tomaccos" became and instant hit. General Disarray then remarked that he thought that had happened in the Simpsons once and then Butters decided he was better off just going home and playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure.)

But once all that was sorted out, the boys were content to count the days until the Best Day of Their Lives when they got to be on Terrance and Phillip.

A/N: Sorry about all the random tangents. And the tomacco thing actually is in the Simpsons. And this is my first South Park fanfic, so I hope there in character enough. Please review!


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Dude, can you believe it's only two more days until we get to be on Terrance and Philip?"

"I know, dude, I can't wait!"

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were standing knee-deep in the snow at their bus stop, grins plastered across their faces. They had hardly slept or ate for the past few months, the only thought occupying their mind was their chance to be on Terrance and Philip. It was the only thing they could talk about (which was beginning to annoy their classmates). And their sheer anticipation had made the months drag on like years. But it was finally here. Almost. Only two more days until the Best Day of Their Lives. They could hardly wait.

"What's up, fags," Cartman said, taking his place at the bus stop. The other boys gave him annoyed looked but didn't respond.

"Guess what," he said after a moment. "My mom gave me a twenty for lunch today." He whipped out the bill and started waving it around.

"Big deal, fatass," Kyle responded irritably.

"I bet you wish you had this much money, you stupid Jew," Cartman snapped back, shoving the money in Kyle's face.

"No I don't, Cartman." Kyle's eyes narrow. He wasn't in the mood to put up with Cartman's shit. It was killing his excitement about Terrance and Philip. "I don't need twenty dollars for lunch 'cause I'm not a fatass like you!"

"Yeah, Cartman," Stan added. "No one cares."

"Dumb gaywads," Cartman murmured to himself, somewhat put out by their indifference (they had more important things to think about – hello, they were going to be on Terrance and Philip!), so he moved on to his next victim.

"Hey Kenny," he said with a sugary smile, sidling up next to the orange-clad boy. "I bet you've never held this much money in your whole life."

Kenny watched the bill out of the corner of his eye.

"I could buy twenty hamburgers with this money," Cartman cooed into Kenny's ear. "Mmm, twenty hamburgers."

Kenny's stomach growled involuntarily. They'd been out of frozen waffles that morning, so he hadn't had any breakfast.

"Don't you want it Kenny? Doesn't it look so _good_?" Cartman wafted the bill less than an inch in front of Kenny's nose.

Even though they had all promised not to do on any crazy adventures or fight with each other until after they had gone on Terrance and Philip, Kenny decided Cartman was really asking for it. And so, with the reflexes that only the poor posses from having to snatch up every scrap of food they find before someone else gets it, Kenny grabbed the twenty right out of Cartman's hand.

"Ey! Gimme that back you poor piece of shit!" Cartman cried, lunging at the other boy. Kenny danced right out of Cartman's grasp into the street, holding the bill aloft, jumping with glee. He got Cartman _and_ he had twenty bucks!

"Haha, what now fatass?" he cried, waving the bill and dancing around. He didn't even hear the bus coming until it was too late.

"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!"

"That poor son of a bitch still has my money!"

-----

When Kenny came to he was lying flat on his back and he could feel the heat of the ground through his parka. The smell of fire and brimstone filled his nose and the screams of the damned assailed his ears. He opened his eyes to find Damien standing over him, looking decidedly bored. Kenny slammed his fist on the ground in frustration.

"God dammit!"

A/N: Sorry the first two chapters are short. They're mostly just setting everything up. I promise the next chapter will be much longer and the plot will move forward more. Please review!


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I was wondering when you were coming back," Damien said wryly. Kenny sat up and shook his head to clear it.

"Fuck you, Damien." Damien rolled his eyes. It was their customary greeting Damien could make some snide remark, Kenny would tell him to go fuck himself, and then they'd go back to Satan's palatial mansion and play video games.

"This is not cool, this sucks dude," Kenny raged, standing up and brushing himself off. "I'm supposed to be on Terrance and Philip in two days. It's the chance of a lifetime!" Kenny paused a moment reconsidering his choice of words.

"That suck dude," Damien responded, not sounding sympathetic at all. "Wanna get something to eat?" Kenny rolled his eyes at Damien's lack of sympathy, but then he remembered he hadn't eaten anything all day. Even though he didn't technically need to eat, he figured he might as well.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he said with a surly frown. He dug his hands into his pockets. "Wait, where's my twenty?" He frantically searched his pockets, but it was gone. God dammit, he _died_ for that twenty!

-----

Hell was populated exclusively by fast food restaurants where the service was poor, the lines were long, and the food was crappy (because, of course, it was Hell). It took Kenny and Damien a good two hours waiting in line to get their meal of limp fries, lumpy milkshakes, and soggy chicken nuggets, even after Damien threw a fit and started using his satanic powers to turn the other customers into various farm animals. And even after they got their food, it was nearly impossible to find a table. They ended up in a corner, squished next to a table full of Mongols.

"So how's your dad been?" Kenny asked, picking at his chicken nuggets. Eating in hell was as annoying as it was futile, no matter how mush you ate, you were always still a little hungry; not starving, but just hungry enough for it to bother you.

"Oh, you know, same as always," Damien responded nonchalantly, sipping his strawberry milkshake. "He just broke up with Hitler a few weeks ago, and now he's with Mussolini. It's not going to last though, Mussolini's just the rebound guy. Dad has a thing for dictators, and Mussolini was kind of a pussy dictator. I think he's just waiting for Castro to die. Dad's had a crush on him for awhile."

"Mmhmm," Kenny said, still picking at his food. "Well tell him I say hi." Satan was especially fond of Kenny, since he once helped him out of a bad relationship with Saddam Hussein.

"You can tell him yourself, you'll probably see him around."

"Nah, I'm going back to earth." Damien choked on his milkshake.

"You can't just _go_ back to earth!" he exclaimed. "You're dead!"

"Yeah, but only temporarily."

"You just have to wait until you come back to life. You'll probably go back in a few days, a week tops."

"I can't wait that long! I _have_ to be on Terrance and Philip!"

"Why is it so important to you?"

"Because it's Terrance and Philip! Stan and Kyle and Cartman met them before in the American-Canadian war, but I totally missed out because I was dead! I'm not missing out again. Besides, it was my wish that saved them. If anyone deserves to be on their show it's me!" Damien rolled his eyes.

"Well you can't just break out of hell."

"That's it! That's perfect! We're going to break out of hell!" Kenny exclaimed, jumping to his feet in his excitement.

"No! That's not a good idea!" Damien said, wringing his hands (he had inherited the pussy gene from his father).

"Why the hell not?" Kenny demanded. "Don't you want to go back to earth? I thought you had fun last time."

"No one wanted to be my friend except for that queer British boy! Why would I go back?"

"No one wanted to be your friend because you were weird! You turned me into a platypus!"

"Well-"

"If you go to earth, you could meet Paris Hilton."

Paris Hilton was Damien's idol. To him, she epitomized how spoiled hell-spawn should act. It was his dream to meet her and have her teach him how to be the bad ass Devil-child he was meant to be - to soak up unnecessary amounts of media coverage; to become a terrible role-model for children; to become the kind of person that people feared and hated everywhere. Damien, had, in fact, been trying to persuade Kenny to kill Paris Hilton for some time so that he could have her for himself so she could teach him all she knew.

Damien was now sorely tempted. He did kind of miss earth, even if no one wanted to be his friend. All of the pain and suffering up there was just too fun to watch. The torture the humans inflicted upon each other was greater than anything even Satan could come up with.

"It's just- It's –"

"_Fucking guard dogs! I fucking hate guard dogs!_" came a loud voice from outside the restaurant.

"What was that?" Kenny asked.

"Looks like some new arrivals," Damien responded, eager to distract Kenny. "Let's check it out."

A/N: Ok, so finally the plot is picking up! I know it's still a little slow, but don't worry, more of their wacky escape from hell is to come! And I recommend you watch the South Park movie if you haven't already. Otherwise, a lot of this isn't going to make sense. Please review!


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